at sixty four

Had I known that it would be the last of his birthdays I would have made it extra special and memorable, I could have taken a leave from work to visit him and tell him how thankful I am that he is my Tatay. Every man dies and death is like a thief in the night, and yours was unexpected yet a no exceptional case.

I may have missed too many of your birthdays before because I was flat broke then especially during my non-earning years, I know I could have done DIY cards to address that but I was not really eager to do that and many times find it awkward. I can’t remember being “daddy’s little girl” or anything like that. We don’t really “have” that father-daughter relationship, the reason of my lack of self-esteem especially during my younger years. Other than, because I’ve seen your sacrifices and hard works, I know I have to do something in return. You’d always remind me that we’re not well-off and that I should value education because it’s my only ticket to better opportunities, so I did. I understand that I need to be resilient to survive and self-supporting at the same time.

During my earning years, I hope in a way I have pleased you. I hope even those cheap frills made you smile. I still have plans, they’re just waiting on the sideline, but your unpredicted leaving us slows down everything. And though I wanted to begin again and claims back what else is there I need time to heal, I need everything to sink in first.

And now I have this memory of your last birthday, the family was supposed to eat somewhere but because it’s your birthday and we know you love Max’s over anything else there was no protest. Besides we also love Max’s only that at times we find the dishes overrated and ordinary.

Happy Birthday Tatay, it’s sad that at 64 you stopped celebrating your birthday, but we’d always remember the happy times and discard the sappy ones. For sure you don’t want to see us despondent and brokenhearted.

‘Tay, yesterday the weather was not good maybe because it cries with us. It’s yours and Nanay’s wedding anniversary, remember? It should be of happy thoughts because it’s supposed to be another milestone of your married life, the 42^nd year but for the first time in many years Nanay would have no one to celebrate. Both of you could have marked it simply, a Jollibee meal perhaps, and a family weekend to follow, like the usual Sundays you know. Sometimes I’d like to believe that you’re just out of town, that you’re on official business on a far-flung space, but knowing how you detest those travels it brings me back to one thing, no Tatay would be coming home soon, not in a couple of days, a few weeks time, months or year. You won’t be back this time and all we have now are memories of your leaving the last time and it’s hurting that my last memory of you was that of August 9, with your head bowed exiting the glass doors in silence. I wonder what was running in your head then. ‘Tay, I know you’re just around watching over us, ensuring that we’d arrive at our destinations safe and sound, ensuring that we take our meals on time and ensuring that we get a goodnight sleep. Thank you again, you’d be our guardian angel from now on.

Btw, this little doll is missing you everyday. 😦