in memory of Tatay

As I write in my home desk today the sun is beginning to set west already and tho we’re not yet entering the “ber” months the wind is colder and I love how it gently blows my curtains. By the way, the mornings are even colder now at 22° that’s why it’s hard to get up by 6am and make breakfast.

Tomorrow will be my 5^th month of working from home, I miss the work environment in GH and all the brouhaha of the workplace. But the fact that the wfh arrangement is a safer alternative, I feel lucky enough for the opportunity. That despite the company’s low revenue for two quarter now, I salute the management for keeping all employees (complete with supply of Vit C and face mask). Thank you po and let’s all continue to pray for healing and protection.

Tomorrow also is Tatay’s 5^th death anniversary. It was that fast and a lot had happened, it was like a scary roller coaster ride that I wouldn’t want to go over again. If I have a choice to rewind, I would go back to 2014. I thought so life was so much easier for me then, it’s forgiving, it’s care-free, I was living my 40’s right. And if 2015 was skipped, would Tatay stay and live? Maybe, maybe I wish him badly alive because I feel sorry that he didn’t get to enjoy his retirement –he didn’t get to enjoy so many things that he so deserved.

my forever childhood Santa ♥♥♥

Tay, as we commemorate your death again may you continue to be our guidance and light. May we always carry in our hearts the reason to forgive and love more, may we always choose to be better and be the bigger person whenever the situation calls for it. Tay, I miss you and I’m forever thankful. ♥

I feel a flash of grief so intense it almost makes me cry; not for what I lost, but for the chances I missed  –Lauren Oliver

 

 

at sixty four

Had I known that it would be the last of his birthdays I would have made it extra special and memorable, I could have taken a leave from work to visit him and tell him how thankful I am that he is my Tatay. Every man dies and death is like a thief in the night, and yours was unexpected yet a no exceptional case.

I may have missed too many of your birthdays before because I was flat broke then especially during my non-earning years, I know I could have done DIY cards to address that but I was not really eager to do that and many times find it awkward. I can’t remember being “daddy’s little girl” or anything like that. We don’t really “have” that father-daughter relationship, the reason of my lack of self-esteem especially during my younger years. Other than, because I’ve seen your sacrifices and hard works, I know I have to do something in return. You’d always remind me that we’re not well-off and that I should value education because it’s my only ticket to better opportunities, so I did. I understand that I need to be resilient to survive and self-supporting at the same time.

During my earning years, I hope in a way I have pleased you. I hope even those cheap frills made you smile. I still have plans, they’re just waiting on the sideline, but your unpredicted leaving us slows down everything. And though I wanted to begin again and claims back what else is there I need time to heal, I need everything to sink in first.

And now I have this memory of your last birthday, the family was supposed to eat somewhere but because it’s your birthday and we know you love Max’s over anything else there was no protest. Besides we also love Max’s only that at times we find the dishes overrated and ordinary.

Happy Birthday Tatay, it’s sad that at 64 you stopped celebrating your birthday, but we’d always remember the happy times and discard the sappy ones. For sure you don’t want to see us despondent and brokenhearted.

‘Tay, yesterday the weather was not good maybe because it cries with us. It’s yours and Nanay’s wedding anniversary, remember? It should be of happy thoughts because it’s supposed to be another milestone of your married life, the 42^nd year but for the first time in many years Nanay would have no one to celebrate. Both of you could have marked it simply, a Jollibee meal perhaps, and a family weekend to follow, like the usual Sundays you know. Sometimes I’d like to believe that you’re just out of town, that you’re on official business on a far-flung space, but knowing how you detest those travels it brings me back to one thing, no Tatay would be coming home soon, not in a couple of days, a few weeks time, months or year. You won’t be back this time and all we have now are memories of your leaving the last time and it’s hurting that my last memory of you was that of August 9, with your head bowed exiting the glass doors in silence. I wonder what was running in your head then. ‘Tay, I know you’re just around watching over us, ensuring that we’d arrive at our destinations safe and sound, ensuring that we take our meals on time and ensuring that we get a goodnight sleep. Thank you again, you’d be our guardian angel from now on.

Btw, this little doll is missing you everyday. 😦

 

the longest drive back home

I keep mumbling about this, it’s been a month by now and yet I don’t know how and where to start.

*photo via net

A Tatay in my words –someone who’s stern yet composed and loving in his own way, someone who wants to see you on top through hard work and perseverance, someone who’d want you to be a better person –a replicate of his goodness and generosity, someone who’s God-fearing and family-oriented, someone who’s caring and thoughtfulness is unmatched, someone who’s support never ends and knows no limits or boundaries, someone I look up to because his success put me to where I am right now, someone I’d truly miss because he left a big hole in my heart that no one can ever make well. Tatay, everything happened so fast and tho I know you’re in a better place now I can’t help but sob and feel lost.

 

13 August 2015. I remember ze husband on the phone after my bath, like the normal mornings his office would call him as early as seven so there was nothing new to it I assume. I have to admit I had this habit of eavesdropping from his conversation so when the tone became serious I was alarmed. His words to me, ‘ney akyat ka dito kausapin mo to. I was running upstairs, panicky already because I sensed something isn’t right. It was my sister C on the phone and it was the biggest shock of my life, I was in denial and have to reconfirm several times, her words “wala na si Tatay”. How could it be? How come this soon? How come it’s him? Tatay, I’ve left you in perfect form the weekend of my last visit. You’ve been the life of the party during that big event our family attended that Saturday. How can I ever suspect something is killing you bad then? How come you never give us a hint? I was shaking, I was in pain, I felt tears starting to roll down my face, my heart was throbbing and I felt light in my head. None of this is true –a bad dream that I have to wake up, I’d like to believe that way. And Nanay, is she okay? How is she taking all these news? She needs all the consoling more than anyone else.

Ze husband had some banking transactions that he cannot missed so he went his way and left me at home while the commotion at home was being handled by my sister and his husband and cousins who immediately reinforced. I was staring in blank outside, I remember the office, I sent several messages and emails to the boss and to my staffs who need to cover for days. I don’t know when I’d be back, it was indefinite at the moment, I know there would be a lot of arrangements before and even after his memorial service.

It was almost noon when we exited Manila, downward the expressway and highway that seems to be boundless that day. I was calmer than I thought but then when memories of Tatay flashback I’d weep, soft cries to wailing to almost bawling. I caught ze husband wiping his tears while driving, he’s affected like a real son and I want to comfort him, but I’m too unconvincing at the moment because I’m failing inside as well.

 

The Longest Drive Back Home {written on our way to Cavite last 13 Aug 2015)

Tatay, I have so many regrets today, I have too many words unspoken. It’s painful this way but who am I to question your sudden demise. Maybe God has plans for all of us, even if that means you leaving us this way. I give you back now to heaven and earth.

There’s no goodbye, I’m going to miss your hundred and one reminders. I’m going to miss your very short but always clear and meaningful text messages. I’m going to miss your being stern but loving way of being a father to Che and I.

You need not worry, we’ll be okay at the right time. We’ll be at Nanay’s side to see all her needs. We’ll always have each other’s back no matter what.

And one day we’ll unite once again with all the cherubs in heaven. Thank you for everything, I love you Tatay!

 

Arriving home I was like draggin’ myself to step out of the car and find my way at the doorstep, it was too hard not to breakdown and I’m uncertain of the atmosphere that will welcome me. There were many people at the house and I spotted Nanay right away. Her mood was as flat as the gray skies and her eyes were so painful to look at. I told myself I can’t be weaker than anyone else now, I have to play tough and conceal the sadness and heartbrokenness. It was around 3pm when Tatay’s remains arrived at home, he’s home with us and I worry of the reactions. Surprisingly, it was calmer than I imagine just because Tatay was so peaceful to look at, there was no sign of pain or fight back, it seems he was more than ready to go and left us yet a feeling of mellowness instead of woes and misgivings. You love us so much Tatay and the thought of it makes me cry now.

We mutually decided as a family that the wake will run for 8 nights and 9 days, that long because we felt we need that time to get a good grasp of what’s happening and process everything, and then accept the certainty that Tatay is no longer with us, we will definitely miss him on the many occasions that our family has, weekends will no longer be the same without him.

Tatay’s wake was overwhelming with all the support and prayers from family and yet people I only met then, he was loved and respected by colleagues. There was no idle time the entire wake, people ceaselessly come to pay their last respect to someone they call “Kuya”, “ Tatay”, “Brod”, “Pare”. Flowers, Mass cards and generous donations were so touching, and the prayer services were so humbling. The necrological services were equally awe-inspiring including the eulogy from friends. Tatay, you have a big heart more than what you’ve shown us, you have an empire of kindness within and these people cannot forget you for that alone.

It was raining badly during the memorial service yet many had come and walk through us, many had offer lifts esp to those who can’t make the kilometer march. The parish church was packed of mourners who sympathized and wept with our pains. That moment there’s no such thing as painful to behold other than my Nanay saying goodbye to Tatay one last time, my heart died at the sight of it. And the little kid, my Tatay’s darling Ysabel, goodbyes to Lolo was so heartbreaking.

There have been so many I’d like to thank, first, my maternal family who never left us, who made it easy and lighter for us everyday, their presence was so appreciated and their unrelenting love was beyond compare . The paternal family for the support and moral boost, thank you Dennis and Ate Weng for the comforting words. For Tatay’s colleagues at the Department of Agriculture where he spent most of his life, for his colleagues at Kiwanis Club and brothers from Knights of Columbus and Gamma Sigma. Thank you to Ninang Lot for the calming embrace. To Gerald and Elaine, my friends from faraway, who sent generous donation. To Gem, Batch 90 and my ICS colleagues for taking time. To all helpers and cooks, I can’t name all nonetheless all your efforts will be remembered.

*photo via net

Tatay, sometimes I find myself crying just the mere thought of you. I don’t know if it’s right at this point to say sorry for the many times I defy you, for the times I cross the boundaries, for the many times I chose to ignore your presence because I thought you were annoying then. For the times I felt your love for me was partial. I’m sorry if I didn’t become the Engineer you want me to be, I regret it too but I love the shift and the life it brought me now. I hope in a way I made you proud in my own little ways. And lastly I’m sorry for myself that I never had the chance to say I Love You in person because I thought it was awkward. I miss you Tatay and I’ll give my best shot to continue your will, your heart’s desire, and your dreams. And to cap it all, thank you for everything ‘Tay!

–E