recollection of nanay’s 63rd

I’m not really good in dealing with sadness or whatever downturn of events it may be. I’m more likely to run off and get something to distract me to avoid that feeling of depression. I’m not the type who’d grieve openly, I have my own moments which I want to keep personal, insert here my “crayola” moments soon as the lights are off and I’m assured that ze husband is already on his deep sleep. Bottom line is I’m not someone who’d go over the tip and afflict more pain; I’d always play it safe and dwell on the lighter side. It’s me because I’ve always been this ever since a kid, hiding away all the worries and act as if “hey, I’m okay”.

At this point when everyone expects me to slow down, I just can’t. I felt I needed more work to pour in and more issues to come around to keep me occupied, there at least I have a good excuse to avoid talking to people about Tatay’s death. I need time for myself, I need healing and most of the time I need to do it alone. Though, at times I’d wish someone would give me a pat on the back and ask how it’s going.

Anyhow, I’m thankful that this blogging activity has fueled me once again, I think it’s the best thing I can do to let go of things running in my head, to let go of those words unspoken at the moment. My sorry if most of the coming post would be like this –emotionally late uploads.

Happy happy birthday ‘Nay, nothing but good health and a steady mind and more days, months and years so you’ll get to blow a candle year after the other.

Then there was Nanay’s birthday last May which we really didn’t plan to celebrate big. But ze cousin was so influential and supportive of the idea, which at first was just a joke to annoy some people (not really “some people” because they are still part of the maternal circle). Ze cousins from the land of gold and dreams and fantasies according to Google even sent birthday money to buy food. So, two days before Nanay’s birthday we ordered food to look as if a birthday surprise. Of course we don’t want to hassle her of cooking and preparing that’s why everything should come at hand and ready-to-eat.  But I’ve managed to request dinuguan from her; I told her that I’m craving for it and bringing some back in Manila.

Nanay was surprised, though pretended that she’s not excited at all, something was bothering mother hen that time, I sensed. The birthday party was well-attended by the maternals, Nanay’s colleague from the barangay hall, and some neighboring friends that were Tatay’s closest.

Tatay at his happiest during Nanay’s birthday last May 30, 2015.

No one ever thought that his days were numbered then and that this was one of the last few celebrations at home of which Tatay we’ll be part of. 😦  Now, the thought of Christmas is upsetting me, I wonder how it’s gonna be –our very first Christmas without the patriarch, the one we referred to as the “Grinch” on most occasions because he became less excited of the holidays and hated our overly preparations and shopping. Tatay, if only I’m given the chance I’d choose you over the trimmings and excitement, I’d choose you a hundred times over anything else, I’d choose you no matter what.

Thank you for being my exclusive Santa Claus, thank you for the memories of my childhood. I’m forever grateful that you are my Tatay. ♥

 

at sixty four

Had I known that it would be the last of his birthdays I would have made it extra special and memorable, I could have taken a leave from work to visit him and tell him how thankful I am that he is my Tatay. Every man dies and death is like a thief in the night, and yours was unexpected yet a no exceptional case.

I may have missed too many of your birthdays before because I was flat broke then especially during my non-earning years, I know I could have done DIY cards to address that but I was not really eager to do that and many times find it awkward. I can’t remember being “daddy’s little girl” or anything like that. We don’t really “have” that father-daughter relationship, the reason of my lack of self-esteem especially during my younger years. Other than, because I’ve seen your sacrifices and hard works, I know I have to do something in return. You’d always remind me that we’re not well-off and that I should value education because it’s my only ticket to better opportunities, so I did. I understand that I need to be resilient to survive and self-supporting at the same time.

During my earning years, I hope in a way I have pleased you. I hope even those cheap frills made you smile. I still have plans, they’re just waiting on the sideline, but your unpredicted leaving us slows down everything. And though I wanted to begin again and claims back what else is there I need time to heal, I need everything to sink in first.

And now I have this memory of your last birthday, the family was supposed to eat somewhere but because it’s your birthday and we know you love Max’s over anything else there was no protest. Besides we also love Max’s only that at times we find the dishes overrated and ordinary.

Happy Birthday Tatay, it’s sad that at 64 you stopped celebrating your birthday, but we’d always remember the happy times and discard the sappy ones. For sure you don’t want to see us despondent and brokenhearted.

‘Tay, yesterday the weather was not good maybe because it cries with us. It’s yours and Nanay’s wedding anniversary, remember? It should be of happy thoughts because it’s supposed to be another milestone of your married life, the 42^nd year but for the first time in many years Nanay would have no one to celebrate. Both of you could have marked it simply, a Jollibee meal perhaps, and a family weekend to follow, like the usual Sundays you know. Sometimes I’d like to believe that you’re just out of town, that you’re on official business on a far-flung space, but knowing how you detest those travels it brings me back to one thing, no Tatay would be coming home soon, not in a couple of days, a few weeks time, months or year. You won’t be back this time and all we have now are memories of your leaving the last time and it’s hurting that my last memory of you was that of August 9, with your head bowed exiting the glass doors in silence. I wonder what was running in your head then. ‘Tay, I know you’re just around watching over us, ensuring that we’d arrive at our destinations safe and sound, ensuring that we take our meals on time and ensuring that we get a goodnight sleep. Thank you again, you’d be our guardian angel from now on.

Btw, this little doll is missing you everyday. 😦